Toughest/Easiest Sports-Connected Jobs in ND (we need humor)

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Toughest/Easiest Sports-Connected Jobs in ND (we need humor)

Postby heimer » Fri Aug 25, 2017 12:24 am

This board is bland again. And that suuuucks. Time to wake some things up a bit.

So, today, here are the 10 toughest and 10 easiest sports-connected jobs in North Dakota. What does that mean? Basically, they can be just about any job, because any job is connected to sports. So whatever.

The only credentials I have for this is a wealth of knowledge I've picked up watching this God-forsaken state kick the 3-class can down 20 miles of bad road, watching the "the Bison will never make it as a DI program" crowd become the biggest Kool-Aid drinkers since Jonestown, and calling a million 7th place games in the Barnes County tournament.

My hope is this will p!ss enough of you off to where you will add your $.02 and we can refine the list as we go, similar to the top 10 polls for all the sports, which, as always, fail once again to include hockey.

TOP TEN TOUGEST SPORTS-CONNECTED JOBS IN NORTH DAKOTA

#10 OIL RIG WORKERS/AIR FORCE BASE PERSONNEL
Currently held by: roughnecks and various officers and enlisted personnel

Top Perks: if you're in oil, you can always go back to Texas. If you in the AF, you can always go to Europe

Top Challenges: Dude, it's October, its getting cold(er than you can handle, you wimp), and you could give a crap less about the Vikings, the Packers, or these little DI-FCS engines that could. You've seen real football in the SEC, and if it ain't the Cowboys or the Saints, screw the NFL. North Dakota will be rough on you, unless you scrape up the money for a game package on TV.

#9 PROGRAM DIRECTOR AT KFGO
Currently held by: Jack Sunday

Top Perks: it's not far to West Acres, actual crime to talk about

Top Challenges: It stretches credibility to tell the world the Bison are the best thing ever, ever for a few years, lose the bid, then have management tell the world that the hockey school up north is the best thing ever, ever the year after they win a national title. Jack is a trooper, but everytime a UND game comes on, we kinda know they wanted the Bison first, and didn't get it. No one likes 100 reminders of a red ribbon......every year. It's not the first time UND has been on the Mighty, just the first time since they had NDSU.

#8 FARGO SHANLEY ATHLETIC DIRECTOR
Currently held by: Mike Breker

Top Perks: With prayer protected by the legislature, home games are now 12 on 11, or 6 on 5, you get it.

Top Challenges: The scuttle butt is that the parents have forgotten how hard it was for Kevin Feeney, who should have won, like, 8 titles in a row at South because he's that good, to finish sixth in the EDC as a AAA opt-up to just make the playoffs. New coaching staff is stoking the AAA fire again, apparently wanting to make the move up with Bismarck St. Mary's. Mr. Breker will have to pull a rabbit out of Sid Cichy Stadium to try to keep the AA wins coming. (hint: West Fargo, West Fargo Sheyenne, and Fargo Davies aren't going away any time soon, and if you're lucky enough to get in, Minot and Century aren't exactly Beulah)

#7 FOOTBALL COACHES AT VALLEY CITY STATE, MAYVILLE STATE, AND U-MARY
Currently held by: Dennis McCulloch, Sean Thom, Josh Kotelnicki

Top Perks: fast enough speed limit on the highway during road trips to make those trips less terrible

Top Challenges: There are plenty of kids in Fargo, Grand Forks, Minot, and Bismarck that could help you win, and you even have money for them. Problem is, some coach who overpromises and underdelivers will ruin the first two years of their collegiate experience with some preferred walk-on BS. If that doesn't do it, the kid will just decide to binge drink and not play because he can't bear to look his never-having-played-a-sport-friends-that-think-they-are-super-cool-and-capable-of-being-your-judge friends in the face and tell them he's going to play at Valley or Mayville. Mary has a slightly better chance here, but its still a long way out to that campus from the biggest town that still closes at 9 PM.

**note: Dickinson State didn't make this list because if you cant get your steer wrestler from the only college rodeo team anyone has ever heard of to also play linebacker, that's on you. Minot State didn't make it because, once they get their $5 million for college hockey (and they will, that's why they went DII in the first place, because the NSIC teams have hockey), no one will care about football anymore. Reference UN...........wait...........

#6 HEAD HOCKEY COACH AT THE UNIVERSITY OF NORTH DAKOTA (somethings or other, depending on the shirt)
Currently held by: Brad Berry

Top Perks: knows Dave Hakstol, the Red Pepper

Top Challenges: Ah yes, the man that finally won it all (with the former guys dudes). He's a hero for now, but the cult will quickly look to oust the leader if business doesn't pick up. Keep in mind at least one of his assistants are five minutes from being named the next coach at Omaha. That, and the pesky NHL getting guys to leave all the time, makes this job a constant "warm seat".

#5 REFEREES
Currently held by: people getting old, and not enough people getting young

Top Perks: If you're one of the 8 guys the boys in Valley City like, you get to do a state tournament after spending the entire winter snow-birding (yes, this happened).

Top Challenges: This is the third year you're doing this since you said you were quitting, and you have more games this year than ever, because absolutely no one will do this anymore. Your eyes are getting bad, so you have trouble seeing the parents that are yelling at you for costing their son the scholarship/minor league contract they deserve. Based on coaches feedback, all of you, at one time or another, will take a turn as the "worst official they have ever seen," but don't worry, most of those coaches are spoiled punks right out of college that have seen maybe four officials lifetime. Thanks for what you do, there is no game without you.

#4 HEAD FOOTBALL COACH AT NORTH DAKOTA STATE UNIVERSITY
Currently held by: Chris Klieman

Top Perks: regularly having the chance to double your salary and advance your career because some FBS team that just graduated 80 seniors was dumb enough to play you and underestimate you

Top Challenges: You do realize that, if you don't win a national title, you suuuuuck, right?

#3 ATHLETICS DIRECTOR AT UNIVERSITY OF JAMESTOWN
Currently held by: Sean Johnson

Top Perks: most school athletic merchandise can be used during deer season, good view of a big buffalo

Top Challenges: Sean is a really nice guy, but everyone knows that the Jimmies joining the Great Plains Athletic Conference, leaving behind rivals in this state with stronger connections than Bill and Monica, is the worst (period) decision (period) ever (period) period. Sean didn't make it, but the prez seems to have as much insight into athletics as a wet park bench, and Sean has to sell it. While the Jimmies are struggling for 5th in the GPAC standings, the Vikings and Comets will be in the hunt for a natty tourney berth through the Independent league.

#2 EXECUTIVE SECRETARY of the NORTH DAKOTA HIGH SCHOOL ACTIVITIES ASSOCIATION
Currently held by: Matt Fetsch

Top Perks: Valley City plays Jamestown again, finally, in football, Bison games are only 45 minutes away

Top Challenges: Football will need either 5 classes or 6 man, basketball still needs three classes due to private schools, and your BOD always manages to sneak in a Kindred or Central Cass or Beulah or private school voice that tells you everything is fine and any changes will need to be "member-driven". If you don't fix hockey, the two Grand Forks schools will want to join the MSHSL, and will likely get to, as most of Northern Minnesota would love to have them. And the food at any state tournament in Minot is still GAWD-awful, and you need to fix that. There's just a lot on your plate, and very few ways to scrape it off.

#1 DIRECTOR OF ATHLETICS AT NORTH DAKOTA STATE UNIVERSITY
Currently held by: Matt Larsen

Top Perks: After that deal with Bob and the cop down in Omaha, it's not hard to bring honor to the office

Top Challenges: You do realize that, if you don't win a national title, you suuuuuck right? Also, when are you announcing the new field in south Fargo, and when are you announcing the move to FBS?

TOP TEN EASIEST SPORTS-CONNECTED JOBS IN NORTH DAKOTA

#10 CONVENIENCE STORE OWNERS
Currently held by: various guys that know farmers

Top challenges: dodging phone calls from big city gas station owners demanding to know why the price of your gas is the same, or cheaper than theirs

Top perks: It's amazing the lack of need you seem to have for revenue at your store. You're the only store capable of selling sandwiches, chips, candy, and soda after a big game, yet you choose to close, and not stay open for what would obviously be a lucrative hour-long rush of fans and players grabbing something for the road. Times must be good in your industry.

#9 GIRLS BASKETBALL COACH AT WATFORD CITY
Currently held by: Cary Veis

Top challenges: Making sure you don't make too many state tournaments so as to heat up three-class discussion

Top perks: Anytime someone whispers "three classes" 50 administrators that played in the 60s immediately defend you. Then beat someone by 70 points, and it's not your fault, or the system's fault, it's the fact that those schools are just so terrible. Tremendous PR work.

#8 DIRECTOR OF ATHLETICS AT UND
Currently held by: Brian Faison

Top challenges: budget cuts, nickname controversy, logo controversy, womens hockey cut, baseball cut, other cuts, budget deficits

Top perks: Lets look at it this way: if the feds decide the school violated Title IX with the cutting of UND hockey, and some naked womens hockey players keep causing trouble, that might be all that's necessary to finally get a better job and let someone else clean up the mess that didn't start with you, won't end with you, and is probably Al Carlson's fault.

#7 HEAD VOLLEYBALL COACH AT WEST FARGO HIGH SCHOOL
Currently held by: Kelsey Peterson

Top challenges: Apparently not making kids quit

Top perks: NDSU commits moving to your school because they got mad and quit.

#6 HEAD GIRLS BASKETBALL COACH AT KINDRED
Currently held by: Perry Piatz

Top challenges: staying below 325. Those buildings are getting closer and closer

Top perks: We are so tired of private schools being called the best team of all time that we now actually root for you as an underdog in state title games. If you keep playing the right teams, the fan base keeps growing. You're still a reason we need three classes, just not THE reason........anymore.

#5 HEAD BOYS BASKETBALL COACH AT WEST FARGO HIGH SCHOOL
Currently held by: Josh Downey

Top challenges: cohesion in communication

Top perks: athletes used to funnel in from Fargo. Now, they take a bit longer of a trip. But who cares if someone takes a 30-foot three with 24 seconds left on the shot clock. They seem to go in.

#4 TELEVISION NETWORKS
Currently held by: ABC, NBC

Top challenges: selling enough ads in Grant County for a state B tournament

Top perks: There's always enough ads in Bismarck, Dickinson, Minot, and Fargo for a state B tournament. And Grant County will lose on Thursday anyway.

#3 HEAD BOYS BASKETBALL COACH AT FARGO DAVIES
Currently held by: Gene, wait, no, Bart Manson

Top challenges: Internet service in the building is a hot mess

Top perks: A seven-man rotation simply will not cut it in the modern game, so here's 25. The ones you can't use, identify them by 8th grade. District 2 needs kids.

#2 FANS OF THE MINNESOTA TWINS
Currently held by: This is Twins Territory, Dave St. Peter

Top challenges: rainouts........now

Top perks: When things end predictably, there's good baseball just 7 more hours down the highway

#1 RICH KIDS
Currently held by: Suburban schools

Top challenges: finding time to bully kids on Facebook for their crappy car

Top perks: With mom and dad trying to relive their career through you, and coaches trying to advance on your back, only you can afford to not work, go to every designer camp and AAU game, and pay the participation fee for your sport. You now have a natural leg up on a ton of kids in your school that will never know the benefit of high school athletics.
God is bigger than football.
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Re: Toughest/Easiest Sports-Connected Jobs in ND (we need hu

Postby The Schwab » Fri Aug 25, 2017 10:12 am

Wow. I kind of disagree with you on the number 2 toughest job. I don't think he has a different opinion then his BOD, but maybe I'm wrong. Isn't the head boys basketball coach at West Fargo Adam Palczewski?
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Re: Toughest/Easiest Sports-Connected Jobs in ND (we need hu

Postby Mandan » Mon Aug 28, 2017 12:41 pm

heimer wrote:
#3 ATHLETICS DIRECTOR AT UNIVERSITY OF JAMESTOWN
Currently held by: Sean Johnson

Top Perks: most school athletic merchandise can be used during deer season, good view of a big buffalo

Top Challenges: Sean is a really nice guy, but everyone knows that the Jimmies joining the Great Plains Athletic Conference, leaving behind rivals in this state with stronger connections than Bill and Monica, is the worst (period) decision (period) ever (period) period. Sean didn't make it, but the prez seems to have as much insight into athletics as a wet park bench, and Sean has to sell it. While the Jimmies are struggling for 5th in the GPAC standings, the Vikings and Comets will be in the hunt for a natty tourney berth through the Independent league.



Not sure if you were trying to be funny or just don't know, but the other North Dakota NAIA teams are in the North Star Conference. Nothing Independent needed to get to a national tournament right now. I agree with you, though, this is a BAD decision for Jamestown.
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Re: Toughest/Easiest Sports-Connected Jobs in ND (we need hu

Postby Sportsrube » Tue Aug 29, 2017 9:50 am

I appreciate heimer's sense of humor/sarcasm and I find this post to be very humorous. The thing that makes it funny - is that for the most part it is based on facts. Truth is almost always funnier than fantasy. Keep posting heimer, I may not always agree with you, but I enjoy your take on things.
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